On Death
by Lena Claire
Summary: About Sanzo dying and how Goku is handling the death and funeral.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Saiyuki and I do not wish to.

**Summary:** Sanzo's last moments, funeraland how Goku delt with it.

****

**On Death**

**By Lena Claire**

Goku was running. He had been running since he heard the news. He could not suppress the overwhelming feeling of dread rising in him, and that spurred him to keep running.

He streaked into the hospital and to the Reception Desk.

_"Where's the Intensive Care Unit?"_ Goku breathlessly panted out in a gush, clutching the desk in desperation.

_"The Intensive Care Units are on the third level. May I know the patient's name?"_ The receptionist asked in leveled tones.

_"Sanzo, Genjo Sanzo."_ Goku hurriedly replied.

_"He's in-,"_ The receptionist answered as she typed Sanzo's name in the computer, _"Room 301."_

The moment he heard this, he pushed himself away from the desk and started running to the lift.

He managed to run into one just as it was closing, and hurriedly whacked the button to the third floor. Waiting to go up was almost agony as he stood in the lift and twisted his shirt in impatience. People were staring at him but he barely noticed them. They were of no importance to him.

When the lift door finally opened to the third floor, Goku dashed out and immediately started looking at the labels on the side of the rooms indicating their own numbers.

_"298…299…300… 30..1"_

Goku stopped outside the room. He felt abit choked up, and quite scared all of a sudden. He stood there wringing his fingers for a moment. Taking a deep breathe, he pressed a button to give him access, watched the door slide open on its own accord, and he went in.

Sanzo lay in bed. Age had caught up with him, even though Goku had tried hard to deny it. Sanzo's blond hair, once golden that shone in the light, faded to a dusty blond with streaks of sliver white. His body, once lean and muscular, now faded to loose and weathered skin. His girth had not increase, maybe even shrunk a little. He almost looked frail lying on the bed.

Wires were attached to his chest from a monitor. Goku could tell it was an indication of his heartbeat, breathing… his vital signs. A slow, but steady beat from the monitor was resounding through the room in time with the jumps on the screen. Numbers showing the rate of his heartbeat was beside it. They were low. A bag of blood and some other fluid were hung above Sanzo as they were being pumped intravenously into his body through his wrist.

He looked away from Sanzo and saw Hakkai and Gojyo already there. Gojyo was leaning against a wall, looking away from both Goku and Sanzo. Hakkai was holding one of Sanzo's hands and indicated to Goku to come.

Goku almost turned around to flee. But he didn't. He walked to Hakkai and Hakkai pressed Sanzo's lifeless hand into Goku's. Goku couldn't help but compare his tanned taunt hand with Sanzo's wrinkled, pale one. Goku turned and looked at Sanzo. His eyes were closed, and his breathing was labored through the oxygen mask.

_"Hey Sanzo, I'm here."_ It took all of Goku's will power to plant a soft smile on his face as he saw Sanzo's eyes open.

He saw Sanzo's mouth opening and closing. Sanzo was speaking, but he couldn't hear it through the mask. Hakkai noticed it too, and gently peeled it off Sanzo's face.

_"- going soon so you better look out for yourself, idiot."_ Was said in between breaths and the insult at the end was said without malice.

_"Sanzo, you'll be fine."_ Goku said and it was encountered by a look from Sanzo.

Goku's eyes welled with tears.

_"I am not immortal."_ Sanzo gently said this.

_"I know, its just-"_ Goku's throat felt clogged up. He couldn't speak anymore.

Goku felt Sanzo's hand tighten a little in comfort. That seemed all that Sanzo could do, and Goku realized that.

_"Then go. I can take care of myself Sanzo. I'll be fine. Rest now."_ Goku said this as he reached out and stroke Sanzo's hair.

Sanzo gave Goku a small smile as he closed his eyes. Goku heard the beeping from the machine become one long monotonous tone. He suddenly realized Sanzo was too still.

Hakkai's hands gently pried his hand away from Sanzo's as the nurses and doctor rushed in. He noticed the unnatural way it flopped down. Goku distantly saw Gojyo walk out of the room.

They tried to do some resuscitation. To no avail. After the fourth or fifth attempt, the doctor turned to them.

_"I'm sorry, but-"_ Goku didn't hear the rest of what he said. Hakkai answered the doctor and thanked him as he gently pushed out Goku out of the room, and out of the way as the nurses prepared the body in a straight, neater position before rigor mortis set in.

Goku let the tears fall. He was shaking. Trying to wipe away the tears, but more came and Goku felt so hopeless. He could only crouch down to cry.

He felt Hakkai's hand around his shoulders; Hakkai was trying to comfort him. Goku found it hard to stop shaking as he looked up.

_"He's gone isn't he."_ Goku said this as a form of confirmation.

_"Yes, he is."_ Hakkai replied softly.

Goku felt a hand on his head. It was Gojyo offering his own condolences.

Goku was drained from all the emotions he had, all the crying.

_"Don't worry about the funeral preparations, we'll deal with them."_ Hakkai said this in assurance.

_"Do the monks at the temple know?"_ Goku asked.

_"Yes, I told them awhile ago, they are praying now."_ Hakkai replied.

_"I want to go home."_ Goku said, almost listlessly.

_"Want us to walk you back?"_ Gojyo asked.

_"No, I'm fine."_

And Goku left.

* * *

Not completed yet, but it'll be a 2 or 3 part story. I will complete this soon though, tell me what you think. 


	2. Remembrance

**On Death : ****Remembrance**

**By Lena Claire**

Goku walked out of the hospital. It almost didn't register in his head that he did. Everything around him was a blur, he felt himself almost in a dreamlike landscape. Focusing took a lot of effort that after awhile, Goku didn't try.

People bumped into him. Swore at him. Occasionally shoved and threatened him. He didn't care. After they could not get a response out of Goku, they decided to leave him alone. They felt a little irked at the brunette's blankness.

He stumbled on blindly, not aware of reality around him. Instead, the last moment when Sanzo was still Sanzo, and not the one lying dead on the bed, played in his head.

* * *

"_Sanzo."_

"_Hm."_

"_You look a bit tired, you alright?"_

"_Don't be an idiot." Sanzo said this as he laid a gentle hand on Goku's head and mussed the hair slightly._

_Just as he was about to pull his hand away, he felt a sudden grip on it._

"_Sanzo," Goku said as he slowly brought Sanzo's hand to his eye level and took the other hand as well. "Your hands are cold."_

"_Your hands are warm."_

"_No, I mean, your hands are really cold."_

"_It's raining."_

"_Hmm, oh yea."_

"_Ch, stupid monkey..." Sanzo replied as he gently pulled his hands out of Goku's grasp._

"…_But, I am tired…" he continued under his breath._

"_Oh, right." Goku uttered as he quickly stood up. He saw Sanzo's eyes shut. Somehow he didn't feel like leaving anymore. Sanzo must have been really tired to close his eyes so quickly._

_Goku deliberated for a moment before he finally settled for sitting on the floor, propping himself on the end corner of the bed._

_He sat there for a moment. Demon senses perked at the odd cold emission coming from Sanzo. It didn't radiate the normal human warmth._

_Gently, slowly, he reached out to touch Sanzo's leg._

_Sanzo's eyes pried open. A brow arched in question. _

"_Oh- well, you're still cold, that's all." Goku said, mildly surprised at Sanzo's alertness while being slightly embarrassed about being caught. _

_Goku saw Sanzo's lips pull slightly upwards. Sanzo was smiling. Reassured and not wanting to disturb Sanzo's further, he stood up to go._

"_Night Sanzo." He said as the turned of the light._

"_Goodnight."_

* * *

And that was the last of it. 

Until just now.

"Oh god." Goku uttered as he started to feel nauseous. He stumbled over to tree, propping a hand on the trunk, he retched.

And there he wept for the loss of Sanzo.

* * *

The end of the second installment of "**On Death**". This story is hard for me to write as well because, I am basing it on a death that has recently occured in my life. I'd like to thank the reviewers for my last chapter. If it weren't for you all, I would not have continued this story because on a certain aspect, it pains me to write it.

Kindly review as I continue to write the final installment for it. I know it is not fair to leave the story dangling.


	3. The Funeral

**On Death : The Funeral**

**By Lena Claire**

"Bow once… twice…third time. Get up."

Goku numbly followed all these instructions. His sharp demon senses were stabbed with the smell of methane and incense smoke.

"Ow! Goku! Watch were you point that thing!"

"Oh, sorry…" Goku quickly moved the incense stick he was holding away from Gojyo.

Gojyo watched Goku for a moment and reached over and ruffled his hair before walking away to carry on with the ceremony.

Goku absentmindedly fingered the joss stick as he had done numerous times, gazed upon Sanzo through the clear top of the coffin.

"Hakkai, he's still not taking it too well…"

"Yes, I know."

"I mean, god damn it! He hasn't looked me in the eye since… That monk just had to die didn't he!"

"All in all, he was still only human Gojyo, you can't forget that." Hakkai said as he placed a hand on the shoulder of an obviously frustrated Gojyo.

"We're all feeling upset now Gojyo, but you can't lose it. For the sake of Goku, we have to keep it together. Do you understand?" Hakkai reasoned gently as he tightened the hand on Gojyo's shoulder as assurance.

"Yea…okay." Gojyo looked for a moment like he wanted to say something else, but turned against it at the last moment, shook his head, and walked away.

Hakkai watched Gojyo's back for a moment; he knew what Gojyo was thinking. As slight as it was, Gojyo was slowly but undoubtedly ageing. It still would be a few more good long years before this conversation would come to pass though, no one wanted to bring it up, not when the pain of loss was still evident.

Hakkai let out a gentle sigh before turning back to analyze what was currently happening in the funeral. There were plenty of people there. Monks of all ranks gathered to pay their respects. Goku, Gojyo and himself were side by side with the highest-ranking monks as a last order Sanzo had made to the monks. It was obvious the monks were not too happy with it, but Sanzo was a Sanzo after all. Even in death, no one could defy him.

Hakkai noted distantly the queue that was snaking a long line from the entrance of the temple consisting of villagers who also wanted to pay their last respects to the Sanzo whom they greatly admired, but never came to know.

Hakkai suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder.

"The next stage of the ceremony is starting. The chant of the death scriptures will begin shortly. Sanzo had requested his friends be part of it."

"Thank you. I'll go get the others now." Hakkai replied and gave a faint smile, as he was accustomed to.

He stood and looked around for the whereabouts of his teammates. He spotted a flash of red, and just at that instant, the head turned around and made eye contact. Hakkai tilted his head, indicating to Gojyo to go to the ceremonial chambers. Gojyo nodded and turned to get Goku.

"Hey monkey," Gojyo said as he stooped to be at face level with Goku. "Its time for the next one."

Goku gave a brief nod, and followed Gojyo to the chamber.

The monks in their yellow robes lined the sides of the chamber. The highest ranking ones seated on chairs, closest to the coffin. Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku were made to sit cross-legged on the floor right at the front, and the other lower ranked monks sat behind them.

They sat there; listening by the continuous low chanting in a language they didn't understand. Gojyo was slightly fidgeting as the chanting crossed the forty-five minute mark. Hakkai still had his back straight and face grim with respect, occasionally shifting to prevent his legs from becoming numb. Goku was slouched, unmoving and expressionless.

The chanting came to a close, much to Gojyo's relief. Everyone else had stood up and left, but Goku was still sitting on the ground with his head bowed.

"It's time to go now, Goku…" Hakkai said as he saw Gojyo waiting for them at the doorway.

"Hm." Goku replied as he slowly got to his feet. His eyes briefly flickered at the coffin as he turned to go.

* * *

The coffin lay there for a day further, before it was brought to a crematorium to be burnt according to Sanzo's wishes.

Looking though the glass, Goku silently watched the coffin bearing his Sun being pushed into the furnace. The only action that betrayed how much Goku wanted to dash in and grab Sanzo away from the fire was the gentle pawing at the glass. At that moment, he seemed very much like someone lost, someone without a direction and meaning in life anymore.

As the coffin slid completely into the furnace, Hakkai and Gojyo gently guided Goku back to the jeep. Goku looked up as they were driving off, the almost majestic way the smoke was bellowing out of the chimney. Parts of Sanzo forever lost in the wind.

Hakkai and Gojyo dropped Goku off at the temple. There, the monks finally found no more reason to treat him nicely. Goku didn't notice though, he didn't care. He plodded straight into his room and started packing up belongings he needed and that were precious to him.

Once Sanzo's gun was polished and tucked safely at Goku's side, he stood up to leave. Glancing around Sanzo's room a final time, taking in everything and embedding it into his mind, he turned and left.

Now Goku was starting on his own journey. A journey some may term it self-discovery. To Goku though, it was to find what it was about this world that compelled Sanzo to save it. To find what made him, the child of the earth. To find…

…a life worth living without Sanzo.

* * *

With this, "On Death" has come to an end. I'm sorry it took quite awhile to get out, but as I said, this fic isn't easy for me to write. To all the concerned, I have started to move on as life doesn't wait, but I don't think the pain in my heart will go away for a long time. The support that my reviewers have given me really earned my gratitude, and i'd like to say an individual thanks to all of my reviewers.

**To:  
**  
**MasQu3raiN:** Thank you for letting me know that my writing style can get emotions across. Not that i'm happy you were crying, just the level of emotion I could get out of my reader really makes me glad. Don't worry about rushing me, I did need a little prodding to start.

**Destiny852:** Thank you. Goku will move on, but he won't ever forget Sanzo.

**gabrielle angelique:** Interesting usage of "yay" and "sad" in the same sentence, but my gratitude extends far to your support.

**Double L.:** I completed the story as you wished, hope you stuck around to find out what happened.

**corntey K:** That has been answered in this final segment of the story. Thank you for the encouragement.

**Jurie-chan:** Yes, Goku is feeling completely and utterly sad, but he will find there are lots of other things in life that he still has to live for.

**yaminokaito:** I took your advise about the italizing thing. I did put a little segment of Hakkai and Gojyo into the story, hope you like it.

**Makoto Kanjou:** Wow. Thank you for letting have the honour of being the first fan fiction you have ever read. Yes, he did die, as mortals all do. Thank you for being symphatatic.

**ReiNagata:** Death is a numbing feeling, denial won't help though. Sanzo is mortal (at least in where Kazuya stopped anyway) he had to die eventually.

**YukitoK:** Thank you for your support. I'm glad that there was people actually reviewing, no matter how few.

**Sliv3r MagiciaN:** Oh dear, please, don't cry. hands a tissue

**Akito-kun:** Thank you, and now the wait has ended.

**sRose:** Wow. Your review simply amazed me. I am so touched by how much emotion you felt and Icould never fully explain how much your review, each and every review means to me. Thank you. Thank you so much.

**Black-eyed Youkai:** Thank you. Yes, no Sanzo anymore.

**Naruka:** Thank you for your support and kind offer to lend a listening ear (or rather, reading eye). I wouldn't want to trouble you though, I feel, this is something I need to figure out on my own. But thank you so much.

**Paxton V. French:** This is the last installment, I hope it would satisfy you enough.

and that about wraps it. As I said once before, Thank you all.


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